She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
