I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
