loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
