I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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