My pussy is not your playground.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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