I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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