i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
