meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
