I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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