he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
