just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
