I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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