Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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