Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
