I saw his package. It spoke to me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
