We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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