I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
