maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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