I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
