It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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