there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
