Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I will pee on everything he values.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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