Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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