I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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