I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
