I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
