I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
