My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
