My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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