Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
