you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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