Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
