I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
