I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
