I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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