dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
