oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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