So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
