Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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