I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
