All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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