SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
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