Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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