she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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