just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
