i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
