Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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