I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
