Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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