Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
