i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
