o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
